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Julie

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Daddy love you more. [17 Mar 2007|10:55pm]
How much of a duesche bag do I feel like after that last entry now?  Because now I would give anything for one more day.  

The poeple though who have shown their love and support to me mean absolutely everyhting to me and I want to thank them for all that they have done for me and my family.  It has been slightly easier with all of those who care backing us up.  

Some people on the other hand have surprised me.  In good and bad ways.  I expect too much in some cases, and too little in others.  Oh well.  I can't worry about that.

Rip: Daddy 1953.2007  Always and forever, all my love.

-Julie
3 | love me

I don't want to do this anymore. [12 Mar 2007|10:39pm]
[ mood | UGHHH! ]

Home sucks.  Everything about this place sucks.  How sad is it that I can't wait to go back to school?  I just want to be with my Cheznutz and be away from here.  I hate here.  I hate what here does to me.  And I cannot deal with the whole situation thing.  This has got to freaking stop.  I will not be able to put up with this all summer.  I so wish I could afford an apartmen or something, just to get out of here.  But I guess this is my hell and I just have to walk right through it.  Because someday, someone will take me far far away from this place and I won't ever have to look back.  God, that is sad.  I never thought I would be one of those people but it is what I am turning into.  Life is making me this way.  I look back and I don't even know the girl I used to be.  I was looking at pictures from the play earlier and I have changed so much since what, April?  Like seriously.  All I can hope is that these are all changes for the better.  It has to be better then it was and then it is now.  It just has to be.  And everytime I think things are looking up something else happens.  But it will get better.  It needs to or I don't know what I am going to do anymore.

P.S.  I wish people would stop being assholes.  There is no need for it anymore.  It's done.  Kthanks :)

-Julie

love me

I can save myself, but I can't save you. [26 Feb 2007|10:01am]
[ mood | Amazed. ]

The day came and went and I didn't even think of you.  I think that is the saddest yet best sign I have ever gotten in my life.  Things may just be looking up.  I had something planned to say, but I will not say it now becasue it obvioulsy doesn't matter anymore.  It does not matter that over a year ago my life was changed, my world turned upside down and I became a different person.  And it doesn't matter that 6 months ago it all came crashing down.  None of that matters because I didn't even think of him Saturday.  He didn't even cross my mind.

-Julie

10 | love me

Angels fall sometimes. [05 Jan 2007|11:49pm]
[ mood | Sadish ]

Is it ok for me to say I miss you?

love me

Are you feeling it too? [03 Jan 2007|10:13pm]

I am 18 years old.  I am no one's mother.  I should not be dealing with this right now.  How am I supposed to kepp things together when all I want to do is fall apart.  I have no where left to turn and I can't move forward anymore.  Who do I turn to?  Where do I run to?  I have nothing left.  My rocks, everything I have every known is gone.  It's done.  6 months to a year and another one's gone.  how can you put a time frame on someon'es life like that?  It's like when you are born and the doctor says "Oh this one has a goo 70-85 years on it."  That's ridiculous.  Doctors are not God.  They do not know the fate of someone and cannot decide whether a person ahould no longer get treatment for something just because it doesn't look good.  How is someone supposed to go on when even their doctors are giving up?  And doesn't he know that he is being incredibly selfish right now.  I sould loose everything so quickly, we all could.  And instead of looking around and being with eachother we all look inward to comfort ourselves when we should be reachign out.   I feel 100 years old right now and I can't take all of this responsibility.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I can't be a babysitter forever.  Eeventually this is going to happen.  If he wants it enough and threatens it enough, it will happen.  And then where will I be?  Still living, still breathing, still fighting to keep the smile on my face and the happiness in my voice.  It shouldn't be like this.  I shouldn't be struggling for every heartbeat when I have a whole life to be lived.  And while I am here wallowing in self pity for my meanial problems there are so many others with far worse to deal with right now.  I can't even take this.  I wish there was a way to make everything right.  I just want it to be alright.  I want to change my stars.

-Julie

4 | love me

Happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time. [20 Dec 2006|08:40am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I thought dreams were a wish your heart makes, right?  Well then I guess the dream I had last night was a nightmare.  But the funny thing is I didn't feel anything.  So I guess that would be a good thing.  And then the second part of the dream was just funny and random.  I love the way my mind works.  I also love how when you dream, you are always like really pretty/hot.  So then, I guess dreams are a wish your heart makes and sometimes you may feel one way in your head but your heart is telling you different.  Eventhough I think this time my heart made a mistake.  I know how I feel about this one.

So christmas break.  I was so insanely excited and yes I am really excited that my first semester of college is over and I actually have a chance of getting a B in spanish and I have good grades and everything is good.  But being home just one day already has made me realize how much I love it at school.  I was so afraid that I was going to hate it there.  Especially being away from my family, friends, and most importnantly at the time, Rob.  But now my family is pretty much non-exsistent, Rob is history, and yes I miss my friends but I have made new ones.  They can never replace my real friends here but they fill the void.  I seriously love it there.  I can do what I want when I want and sometimes I get a little bored but that's when I call Christy or go bother Cait or Alli.  Here I have rules again and no one really to just go bother like right next door (besides Jess haha).  And plus this whole parents serperated things is getting annoying.  Like ok, I am totally ok with the fact they are not together (I got used to that the first time) but my dad is being ultra paranoid about everything and like really annoying.  And they both "bad mouth" eachother to me and I am being made the middle man again eventhough I told them both I wouldn't do that this time.  And now it's only going to get worse because I am actually home.  It is just annoying and I know as soon as Christmas is over I am going to want to go back to school so bad it's not even funny.  I need somewhere to run away and hide and I am scared that I can't do that at Christy's now.  I can only hope that everything will work itself out.  It always seems to.

I will get over all of this.  I always do.  I never thought I was a strong person until I pulled myself out of all this skank I was in and made myself happy agian.  I really can take anything you throw at me and I am proud of that.

-Julsss

4 | love me

hahaha. Goals pt. 2!!!! [10 Nov 2006|10:16am]
[ mood | amused ]

Me and Marsh Pinkie swore....

1.  Get totally smashed.

2. Boys...

3. Go to a Foam Night at a club.

4. Get Tatoos

5. Get Leads in the play.

We break it, we lose our pinkies.

I posted that October 31st, 2005.  And now I am sitting here on November 8th, 2006 and so much has happened since then.  I mean god, we pretty much accomplishe all of our goals except for Foam Night.  But it can still happen and I hear they're not that fun anyway.  But we have gotten smashed, and boys yes!  We got our tattoos and we def. had leads in the play!!!!  So we get to keep our pinkies! :)

Now for some seriousness.  First, I am sorry if certain people are mad at me.  They know who they are and they know I can't stand when people are upset with me.  I hate that feeling.  And yes I know that everyone can't like/love you all the time but I like to know that the people I associate with aren't upset with me.  Second, I am not stupid and I am not a bitch.  I don't care what anyone says.  Especially someone who has to hide on livejournal and make comments.  Ok so my comment back was snippy but that's because I am getting tired of people anonymously throwing their 2 cents in on my life.  What am I supposed to do?  Sit here and take it while people say stuff like that to me?  I don't think so.  I am tired of being walked all over.  It's high time I start standing up for myself and do things to make sure I don't get hurt.  And as I said before, I am not stupid.  I figuered one out and I know the other one has done this before.  So it's only a matter of time.  And once I do find out who this is I am not going to do anything.  I just want to know who thinks they know me so well that they can call me a bitch and I want to know how they know so much about my parents, and what happened between me and Rob.  The options are norrowing down.

Anyway, I had the best day I have had in a very long time yesterday.  And I really hope I am not lying to myself this time.  I feel some goodness coming back in my life and I can not wait!

love me

Never gone, Never far, In my heart is where you are. [06 Nov 2006|01:57pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I have way to much time on my hands to think about nothing and everything.  And I have decided.  It is better to not know what love is and want it so bad it hurts than to have loved and know exaclty what it feels like to be in love and then lose it.  If you don't know how it feels you really aren't missing out on much but once you know and then it's gone it eat you alive.  Everyday you know that no matter what you can't get that feeling back, its gone.  But it feels so good that you want it so bad and it will eventually kill you.  Unless you find it again.  But I am jealous of the girls that don't know what it is like.  My whole life all I wanted was someone outside of my family to tell me they loved me and I was beautiful and all that good stuff.  Did I really want that though when it just ends in heartache so bad you can't breathe?  I definetely didn't want that.  I think it's impossible to stay in love and make it work.  No one does it.  Even if people stay together the love is probably not there anymore.  It's a sad fact.  Guys are either cheaters, liars, beaters, or a combination.  There is no guy hat can just treat a girl the way she should be treated.  And if he does exsist then he's probably gay.  I know I said there are such things as fairy tales but I am beginning to think I was wrong.  There can't be fairy tales if there are no prince charmings.  It sucks.  It all sucks so bad I can't even take it.  I mean I am trying.  I want to be optimistic and think positive but it is so hard when everything around me is falling to pieces.  How can I stay together when all I know is falling apart?  Everything feels wrong and I really need to feel alright right now.  I thought everything in my life was great.  I was happy and so was everyone else.  Talk about wearing my rose tinted glasses.  I find more and more everyday how good I am at lying to myself.  If it were an Olypmic sport, I would be a gold medalist.

Don't give up on me now.

-Julie

16 | love me

I am so lost. [29 Oct 2006|08:16pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

I like to pretend I am ok.  It's my favorite pasttime.  I think I have had made so much progress but really I am walking backwards the whole time.  It hurts so bad.  All I want to do is throw up and lay in a ball and cry.  Nothing matters anymore, nothing is important.  I just want to go home and lock myself in my room and never leave.  I am tired of pretending to be strong and happy.  I am tired of pretending that I like all these people here.  Even if I am having a good time it doesn't mean anyhting.  Like seriously, what is the point?  It will get me nowhere.  Spanish is sucking ass.  I am not cut out for it.  I am not cut out for anything.  Seriously, I will work at Old Navy for the rest of my life and be a nobody.  I think that is what I am supposed to do.  Maybe I will move across counrty and leave everything and everyone behind and make my own way.  That way no one can be disappointed in me and I won't hurt anyone's feelings here because I won't be their problem anymore.  I am no one's problem and no one should worry about me because it really doesn't matter anymore.  Nothing does and nothing ever did.  I am such a stupid girl I can't stand myself.  I hate this feeling of powerlessness.  I have no power over my own damn destiny and I all I can do is cry about it like a pussy.  I am really feeling sick right now.  I just want to curl up and die.

love me

Looking for a reason. [24 Oct 2006|11:29am]
[ mood | Crazy excited! ]

I officially hate all things Pasta Bowl.  I was very hungry today and decided to make my last Pasta Bowl.  So I make it and it smelss delicious.  I take it out of the microwave and by now I am straving so I try to eat it right away.  Bad choice.  I burn my tounge off.  So I let it sit for a little and then a blow on each piece while trying to eat it.  I take like 5 bites and then I am full but I didn't really taste anything because my tounge is gone.  Oh Pasta Bowls.  How I despise you.  

I am reallllly souped for Haloween.  My costume is now complete and I am going to look pretty damn good.  I just hope I can get my hai to stay super curled and my feet don't fall off and I don't freeze my ass off.  But other than that it's going to be an ammmmazing time.  Especially if my favorite Courtney is coming down!!!!!!!!  Awesome, awesomeness.

-Juls

2 | love me

Uggie Wuggie. [19 Oct 2006|09:06am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Ouch Ouch, you're on my heart.

love me

September saw a month of tears and thanking God you weren't here to see me like that. [10 Oct 2006|05:56pm]
[ mood | calm ]

It's a step.  I am moving forward.  I am really proud of myself.  I am sorry that I didn't know what I was doing.  But now I do.  You know it was going to happen eventually.  I was going to have to grow up and start to become the person I will eventually be and all of this is just helping me.  I cried so hard yesterday.  Harder than I ever have.  But I was crying not becasue he left but because I can admit now what I always knew.  He's already gone.  He's been gone and I can accept that now.  I was crying becasue I felt so sorry for myself for taking this long to realize it and realizing it hurt like a bitch.  But I am glad that I said what I did.  I meant every word of it.  I always do.  I am still lying to myself somewhat just because realizing all this right now and stopping the lies to myself would be too much to handle at once.  But at least I am making some progress.  It's better than nothing.  And it's better this way.  No matter how much I wanted him or someone to hold me and tell me everyhting I wanted to hear it still wouldn't have helped.  I have to face the fact that what I want to hear is not reality at this point.  I have to grow up for once and stop running away from how scared I am of myself, the truth, and my future.  I am ready to move on.  I am not completely over everything and I probably won't be for a long time.  I do know that I ready to get on with my life and stop hoping that some miracle will happen and he will want me back.  That's crazy and it won't happen.  I know it, I can say it, and I accept it.  Everything will be alright.  My fariy tale will continue and someday my prince will come.  The day when my dreams come true.

-Juls

2 | love me

I am in repair. [03 Oct 2006|06:01pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I feel like I am drowning. I can't breathe. I can't find the surface. I don't really want to. I want to stay under the water and drown there. I am not trying hard enough. Why can't I try harder, be stronger? I am sorry. I know I need to let it go and to move on but I can't. I am not as good as everyone else. I am not cut out for it. I thought I could do it but I was wrong. I am exactly what I used to be and I knew I would become again. I don't want to be that girl again. She scares me to death and I don't like her. I don't want her in my life anymore. I changed for a reason but I can feel myself slipping back, slipping away, drowning and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I am so sorry. I wish. I just wish everyday. I hate myself right now. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just grow up, learn, move on. Thats what you're supposed to do but I can't no matter what I say or how hard I try. I have made myself believe one thing and I can't change it now. I lie to myself too well. At least I know I can fel again because I can still cry. I haven't done that since the incident. But the tears are back. At least I know that much. I really scare myself sometimes. I think I need professional help or something. I am fucked up. Seriously. I really need a written journal so I don't have to say this stuff on stupid livejournal anymore. I don't know where else to go. I don't want to burden Marsh with this anymore. It's not fair. I am really sorry. I feel so small sometimes in this big old place.

-Julie

6 | love me

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. [02 Oct 2006|06:43pm]
[ mood | content ]

Sooo I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything but damn that sucks.  Ouch.  Stab me in the heart.  Damnnnn.  People have really been surprising me lately.  In good ways and in bad.  I know for sure who has my back and who does not.  Marsh totally has my back and I know through one of the funniest things ever.  God I love that girl, it's not even funny how much.  Other people on the other hand.  Not so much.  I am surely disappointed not only in myself but in others too.  Damn me for believing.  At least I am realizing things easier now.  I feel like I can see everything clearly.  Heyy, better late than never.  It only took me about a month to figure it out but from here on out I will not be blinded anymore.  Thanks to Labyrinth for this line: You have no power over me.

Love, Juls 

4 | love me

Wooooowwwwww! [27 Sep 2006|04:33pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Seriously, who reads a million old Livejournal entries almost cries and cracks up like a hundered times.  What is wrong with me.  And serisouly who does that?  I need to get me a life.  How much are those these days?  And I am real pissed that oldnavy.com doesn't have any freaking men's black flip flops in a size 6.  All I want is some damn black filp flops!!!!  That is all.

-Juls

love me

Hot patootie, bless my soul. [21 Sep 2006|03:56pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I just realized something.  This whole time I thought stuff in my life was like a movie but that's bullshit.  Stuff in movies is like real life.  And that is why we love movies so much.  Because they really are very close to real life events.  Stuff like that actually happens in real life.  Like when you are thinking and a certain song will come on and you are just like yes this is exactly it.  I alwasy wanted a band to follow me around and play theme music for my life but it already happens.  I've been very hopeless for the past few weeks but I am slowly staring to realize that this was just the rising action of my movie life.  I still have to reach my climax and then my falling action.  There is still a lot left to happen to me.  It feels great to sit here thinking about this.  I don't even care that it probably makes no sense to a lot of people.  But just think about it for a second.  Like the last time something crazy awesome happened, was there music playing (even if it was only in your head), or was a movie on that reflected something, or did someone just say something so right to you.  Life is a movie.  There are such things a fairytales.  No one can give it to you because you are already living it.  I am in my fairytale.  And every fairytale has a problem but eventually it will also have a solution, no matter how long it takes or how many frogs the princess had to kiss or how many years she has to be a sleep for her true prince to find her.  I get it.  Fairytales were based on real life, no matter how exaggerated, someone went through the same things I am going through now and they lived happily ever after.  And so will I.

-Juls

10 | love me

I will kick your ass. [15 Sep 2006|08:56am]
[ mood | amused ]

Monday, Tuedsay, Wednesday, and Thursday.  Oh Jesus.  Thats like all week and most of it has been spent with Rob.  What's going on?  Who knows.  I can't even put it into words anymore what I feel.  Like I love being with him and being around him but then like we are not a thing (well maybe a little) but it feels good when we are together.  I don't know.  I just don't want to think about it.  I want someone to just be like "Here Julie this is what you do.  This is your destiny and this is how it will work.  Enjoy your life the right way."  Uggie it's just a plain mess.  But then he'll say something or do something and I will be stupid or something and everything will go back again, 360.  Whatever.  Everything will work out for the best, eventually.

And just because he stalks me on here and today is his birthday and I messed up before.  Happy Birthday Matty G.!!!!!

-Juls

PS.  I totally had a dream with Berz in it last night.  I miss that woman.

2 | love me

Yooo this sucks. [10 Sep 2006|09:06pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

What the hell kind of person to people think I am?   I am not some door mat to be walked all over and used to do whatever they want.  I mush better than that.  I am much better than most of the shit that has happened to me.  This sucks so bad.  Well sorry but I don't do that kind of shit.  Rob was another story.  I loved him and he loved me and it was ok I was comfortable and it was mutual, we wanted it and it was good.  We moved slowly and happily.  He never ever forced me to do shit I didn't want to or got mad at me when I wouldn't do something (eventhough I never denied him).  But this asshole.  What is this shit.  I am sooo shocked.  This is not supposed to happen to me.  I am a good person and I deserve good people in my life.  Not fucking scummy assholes who just want to use me and then be done with me.  No matter what anyone thinks of me, I am not that kind of girl and I never will be so fuck that.

-Julie

6 | love me

Good to go! [09 Sep 2006|09:42am]
[ mood | happy ]

Last night was pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself.  Ie feels goooooooood!!!!

-Juls!

2 | love me

Ouch. [06 Sep 2006|07:26am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I have never been broken hearted.  Like I thought I was but that was in middle school and I had never really loved anyone.  My first broken heart.  It hurts.  I feel like Bella Swan when Edward left her and told her straight to her face that he didn't love her anymore.  It left a hole in her heart.  She felt empty.  I can relate to Bella.  (That was for Marsh!)  I don't have to hold my hole together like she did because I am stronger than that.  But I wouldn't be lieing if I said it hurt like hell.  It was hard to sleep last night with everything running through my head.  I actually had to tell myself: "Stop!  Yes I know it hurts but thinking about everything and questioning and worrying won't ever change anything.  It has happened it is over now get some sleep and in the morning you can worry."  I feel like a crazy person.  I feel like everything doesn't matter anymore.  I am scared that I will never feel like that again.  I am mad at myself for believing for convincing myself and for loving too much.  I always thought I was a very lovey dovey person but for some reason I could just never show him how deep it went.  That's all changed now though.  The root has been chopped down and ripped right out of my chest.  I can't even begin to imagine how my life is going to be now.  I don't know how to be with out him anymore.  Six months in real time isn't that long I guess but when there is love in six months it feels like and eternity.  Like he knows everything about me and I know everything about him.  I don't want to go back to the way I used to be.  I don't even remember that girl.  All I could remember last night was the little, fat, 13 yr. old girl who hated herself in everyway and tried to end her life a couple of times (nothing ever serious I was too dumb for the goos stuff).  I think I was fun before him.  I think I had gotten confidence and was happy.  If I can remember any part of Senior year before him, I think that was how I was.  But who knows how I will be now?  I am losing everything.  My one true guy friend, his family (who I loved and his oldest sister who was like the big sister that I never had), my first love.  I just can't believe this has ahppened.  But, of course, I don't hate him.  I never could, not after all of the happiness he brought to my life.  So this is a bitter-sweet ending then.  Extremely bitter but I know in a few years (especially when I am alone because God knows I will never find anyone to deal with me again), I know it will be sweet to look back on how happy I was.  But as for now he has my forgiveness and still he has the broken pieces of my heart.

Woo for long depressing entries but I need to get that off my chest so I could stop shaking and maybe be able to eat today.  Thats all folks.  I hope all you Peensaukeners had a glorious first day of school!!!  WOOOO for the SENIORS!!!!!!!!  And now off to yet another 8:00 am class!!!!!

-Julie

love me

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