Julie (diamondjul) wrote,
Julie
diamondjul

Ouch.

I have never been broken hearted.  Like I thought I was but that was in middle school and I had never really loved anyone.  My first broken heart.  It hurts.  I feel like Bella Swan when Edward left her and told her straight to her face that he didn't love her anymore.  It left a hole in her heart.  She felt empty.  I can relate to Bella.  (That was for Marsh!)  I don't have to hold my hole together like she did because I am stronger than that.  But I wouldn't be lieing if I said it hurt like hell.  It was hard to sleep last night with everything running through my head.  I actually had to tell myself: "Stop!  Yes I know it hurts but thinking about everything and questioning and worrying won't ever change anything.  It has happened it is over now get some sleep and in the morning you can worry."  I feel like a crazy person.  I feel like everything doesn't matter anymore.  I am scared that I will never feel like that again.  I am mad at myself for believing for convincing myself and for loving too much.  I always thought I was a very lovey dovey person but for some reason I could just never show him how deep it went.  That's all changed now though.  The root has been chopped down and ripped right out of my chest.  I can't even begin to imagine how my life is going to be now.  I don't know how to be with out him anymore.  Six months in real time isn't that long I guess but when there is love in six months it feels like and eternity.  Like he knows everything about me and I know everything about him.  I don't want to go back to the way I used to be.  I don't even remember that girl.  All I could remember last night was the little, fat, 13 yr. old girl who hated herself in everyway and tried to end her life a couple of times (nothing ever serious I was too dumb for the goos stuff).  I think I was fun before him.  I think I had gotten confidence and was happy.  If I can remember any part of Senior year before him, I think that was how I was.  But who knows how I will be now?  I am losing everything.  My one true guy friend, his family (who I loved and his oldest sister who was like the big sister that I never had), my first love.  I just can't believe this has ahppened.  But, of course, I don't hate him.  I never could, not after all of the happiness he brought to my life.  So this is a bitter-sweet ending then.  Extremely bitter but I know in a few years (especially when I am alone because God knows I will never find anyone to deal with me again), I know it will be sweet to look back on how happy I was.  But as for now he has my forgiveness and still he has the broken pieces of my heart.

Woo for long depressing entries but I need to get that off my chest so I could stop shaking and maybe be able to eat today.  Thats all folks.  I hope all you Peensaukeners had a glorious first day of school!!!  WOOOO for the SENIORS!!!!!!!!  And now off to yet another 8:00 am class!!!!!

-Julie
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