Julie (diamondjul) wrote,
Julie
diamondjul

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September saw a month of tears and thanking God you weren't here to see me like that.

It's a step.  I am moving forward.  I am really proud of myself.  I am sorry that I didn't know what I was doing.  But now I do.  You know it was going to happen eventually.  I was going to have to grow up and start to become the person I will eventually be and all of this is just helping me.  I cried so hard yesterday.  Harder than I ever have.  But I was crying not becasue he left but because I can admit now what I always knew.  He's already gone.  He's been gone and I can accept that now.  I was crying becasue I felt so sorry for myself for taking this long to realize it and realizing it hurt like a bitch.  But I am glad that I said what I did.  I meant every word of it.  I always do.  I am still lying to myself somewhat just because realizing all this right now and stopping the lies to myself would be too much to handle at once.  But at least I am making some progress.  It's better than nothing.  And it's better this way.  No matter how much I wanted him or someone to hold me and tell me everyhting I wanted to hear it still wouldn't have helped.  I have to face the fact that what I want to hear is not reality at this point.  I have to grow up for once and stop running away from how scared I am of myself, the truth, and my future.  I am ready to move on.  I am not completely over everything and I probably won't be for a long time.  I do know that I ready to get on with my life and stop hoping that some miracle will happen and he will want me back.  That's crazy and it won't happen.  I know it, I can say it, and I accept it.  Everything will be alright.  My fariy tale will continue and someday my prince will come.  The day when my dreams come true.

-Juls

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