Julie (diamondjul) wrote,
Julie
diamondjul

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I am so lost.

I like to pretend I am ok.  It's my favorite pasttime.  I think I have had made so much progress but really I am walking backwards the whole time.  It hurts so bad.  All I want to do is throw up and lay in a ball and cry.  Nothing matters anymore, nothing is important.  I just want to go home and lock myself in my room and never leave.  I am tired of pretending to be strong and happy.  I am tired of pretending that I like all these people here.  Even if I am having a good time it doesn't mean anyhting.  Like seriously, what is the point?  It will get me nowhere.  Spanish is sucking ass.  I am not cut out for it.  I am not cut out for anything.  Seriously, I will work at Old Navy for the rest of my life and be a nobody.  I think that is what I am supposed to do.  Maybe I will move across counrty and leave everything and everyone behind and make my own way.  That way no one can be disappointed in me and I won't hurt anyone's feelings here because I won't be their problem anymore.  I am no one's problem and no one should worry about me because it really doesn't matter anymore.  Nothing does and nothing ever did.  I am such a stupid girl I can't stand myself.  I hate this feeling of powerlessness.  I have no power over my own damn destiny and I all I can do is cry about it like a pussy.  I am really feeling sick right now.  I just want to curl up and die.
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