I like to pretend I am ok. It's my favorite pasttime. I think I have had made so much progress but really I am walking backwards the whole time. It hurts so bad. All I want to do is throw up and lay in a ball and cry. Nothing matters anymore, nothing is important. I just want to go home and lock myself in my room and never leave. I am tired of pretending to be strong and happy. I am tired of pretending that I like all these people here. Even if I am having a good time it doesn't mean anyhting. Like seriously, what is the point? It will get me nowhere. Spanish is sucking ass. I am not cut out for it. I am not cut out for anything. Seriously, I will work at Old Navy for the rest of my life and be a nobody. I think that is what I am supposed to do. Maybe I will move across counrty and leave everything and everyone behind and make my own way. That way no one can be disappointed in me and I won't hurt anyone's feelings here because I won't be their problem anymore. I am no one's problem and no one should worry about me because it really doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does and nothing ever did. I am such a stupid girl I can't stand myself. I hate this feeling of powerlessness. I have no power over my own damn destiny and I all I can do is cry about it like a pussy. I am really feeling sick right now. I just want to curl up and die.