Julie (diamondjul) wrote,

Are you feeling it too?

I am 18 years old.  I am no one's mother.  I should not be dealing with this right now.  How am I supposed to kepp things together when all I want to do is fall apart.  I have no where left to turn and I can't move forward anymore.  Who do I turn to?  Where do I run to?  I have nothing left.  My rocks, everything I have every known is gone.  It's done.  6 months to a year and another one's gone.  how can you put a time frame on someon'es life like that?  It's like when you are born and the doctor says "Oh this one has a goo 70-85 years on it."  That's ridiculous.  Doctors are not God.  They do not know the fate of someone and cannot decide whether a person ahould no longer get treatment for something just because it doesn't look good.  How is someone supposed to go on when even their doctors are giving up?  And doesn't he know that he is being incredibly selfish right now.  I sould loose everything so quickly, we all could.  And instead of looking around and being with eachother we all look inward to comfort ourselves when we should be reachign out.   I feel 100 years old right now and I can't take all of this responsibility.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I can't be a babysitter forever.  Eeventually this is going to happen.  If he wants it enough and threatens it enough, it will happen.  And then where will I be?  Still living, still breathing, still fighting to keep the smile on my face and the happiness in my voice.  It shouldn't be like this.  I shouldn't be struggling for every heartbeat when I have a whole life to be lived.  And while I am here wallowing in self pity for my meanial problems there are so many others with far worse to deal with right now.  I can't even take this.  I wish there was a way to make everything right.  I just want it to be alright.  I want to change my stars.


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